Fanciful Reports of Films Unseen

A friend of mine has just started a blog devoted to reviewing films he hasn’t seen at The Agoraphobic Reviewer.

Instead of researching them or repeating hearsay, the Agoraphobe relies more on free association and stream-of-whimsy to concoct surreal alternative-universe fantasias that are in every case more captivating than the actual films he purports to describe.

Who knows if he’ll one day grow weary of this diversion, but in the first week he has already posted a dozen reviews (in both prose and verse) covering The Big Sleep, Vertigo, American Graffiti, Videodrome, Baron Munchausen, Before Sunset, The Other Boleyn Girl, Mamma Mia, and Terminator Salvation (SPOILERS INCLUDED).

No pressure on him, but I’m hoping he keeps this up until his death, because even a Bradburian/Truffautesque future dystopia in which moviegoing is outlawed still couldn’t stop him because he doesn’t need to see a film in order to describe it more awesomely.

4 thoughts on “Fanciful Reports of Films Unseen

  1. johnlebaptiste says:


    ‘Until his death’? That’s a bit ominous isn’t it? Do you know something I don’t know?

  2. oldrope says:

    I would be happy to oblige, John, if you wish to end the perennial misery…? I need merely a week’s notice and a spent toothpaste tube and the job is as good as done. I cannot promise it will be painless, but I can promise that it will not be fruitless.

  3. johnlebaptiste says:

    Sweet heavens. Old Rope has escaped from his fortified playpen and broken onto the comments section of Any Eventuality.

    Nobody, I can only apologise for my toothless, incontinent, excitable, pantless friend. Please take his many, many weaknesses into consideration before passing judgement on him.

  4. Nobody says:

    My blog is a virtual City of Refuge that welcomes all despite their indiscretions.

    Unfortunately that means contract killers and those fleeing contract killers might bump into each other here. Awkward!

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